The Last Chance Democracy Cafe

The Last Chance Democracy Café, Episode 71
The Republican Follies, 2008: a musical
By Steven C. Day

Because sometimes only a song will do.

Clearly the public is much more interested in the Democratic presidential race this year than the one for . . . well, you know, those other guys. Even hardcore Republicans seem to be having trouble getting very excited about their candidates. And who can blame them?

Still, being the notoriously gracious bunch we are here at The Last Chance Democracy Café, we want to be sure the major GOP candidates receive all of the public attention they so richly deserve. Thus, when we decided to do a musical “theater” production, as a fundraiser for Claire’s charity, we could think of no better topic for the production than the Republican presidential race — as well, of course, as the media’s coverage of it.

So, without further adieu, welcome to our show.

(I’ll leave it to you to guess which café regular is playing each part: although I’ll break the rule once by telling you that Zach is playing Mitt Romney. He’s the only one with nice enough hair to pull it off.)

Act I

As our story begins (stage left), it’s a blustery March 2007 morning in New Hampshire. A small group of reporters and media pundits talk among themselves as they wait impatiently, in the cold, for Mitt Romney to arrive for a campaign speech.

REPORTER ONE: “I just can’t see how Romney can win the nomination, what with his liberal social views.”

REPORTER TWO: “You obviously haven’t heard the news. That’s the old Mitt Romney. The new Mitt Romney . . . Well, let me tell it to you this way.

(Reporter Two moves to the front of the stage and begins to sing.)

The Ballad of Mitt Romney
(To the music of “The Ballad of Jed Clampett”)

Come and listen to a story ‘bout a man named Mitt
A rich governor, as liberal as they git,
Then one day he said “I’m a’shooting for the top”
And out of his mouth came a flood of flip-flop.

Mealy-mouthed that is, two-faced, the twostep.

Well, the next thing you know Mitt’s hat is in the ring
His advisors said, “Mitt, dump that liberal thing,”
Said “far right is the place you ought to be”
So he reinvented himself quite conservatively.

Guns that is, Scalia love, antiabortion

But although Mitt’s close connection to New Hampshire (he is, after all, the former governor of the state next door) makes him an early favorite in the state, Rudy Giuliani looks formidable nationally.

The reporters and pundits reassemble (stage right) in a small town community center for a scheduled “media opportunity” with Rudy.

REPORTER ONE: “Mr. Giuliani, Mr. Giuliani, according to press reports, you’ve been pulling in a fortune in speaking and corporate consultation fees: to what do you credit your great success?”

REPORTER TWO (breaking in before the answer): “And you’ve raced into the lead in the national polls: why do you think your campaign has generated such enthusiasm?”

RUDY GIULIANI: Let me see if I can explain it to you:

Nine and Eleven
(To the music of “Love and Marriage”)

Nine and eleven
Nine and eleven
Go together
Like virtue and heaven
This I tell you brother
I won’t say one without the other

Nine and eleven, nine and eleven
As easy as six and one is seven
First you’re one of the heroes
Then come checks with lots of zeros

***

Scare them badly, scare them badly
They’ll give you power and do it gladly
This I tell you brother
They’ll vote for me and for no other

But as the press huddles around the presumed favorites, elsewhere the stock of a former Governor of Arkansas, a Baptist minister, is steadily rising within the powerful Religious Right.

The stage lights darken for a quick scene change, and then rise again to show a smiling man standing behind the pulpit of a small country church (center stage).

ELDERLY FEMALE PARISHIONER: “Reverend Huckabee, I’m so tired of the immorality and godlessness in our culture. Would you please share with us your moral vision for this country?”

HUCKABEE: I’ll be happy to. I’d ask you to imagine a beautiful and godly place; the kind of place where good old-fashioned American values once again reign supreme. A place I like to call, well . . . Huckabee. Let me tell you a little more about it.”

Huckabee
(To the music of “Camelot”)

It’s true! It’s true! The Lord has made it clear.
We must be morally perfect all the year.

A law was burned in stone long ago here.
Abortion has been outlawed by decree.
And stem cells can sleep safely at night here
In Huckabee.
Gay marriage is forbidden ‘till the end time
Since it’s the same as bestiality.
By order, divorce is now a death crime
In Huckabee.
Huckabee! Huckabee!
I know it sounds a bit bizarre,
But in Huckabee, Huckabee
That’s how the statutes are.
Evolution shall never be taught here
No drinking liquor, wine or even beer.
In short, life’s greatest glee
In a theocracy
For happily-ever-aftering is here
In Huckabee.

Act II

As Act II opens, we are now in the early summer of 2007. Republicans remain restless, understandably dissatisfied with their field of candidates. Yet, a prospective hero has arrived in the form of Fred Thompson, who, fresh off the set of Law & Order, quickly becomes the latest orifice into which many Republicans pour their dreams for new Ronald Reagan.

Only one problem. It turns out that Fred has a little issue with his political work ethic.

The scene opens (stage right), with Fred Thompson’s wife, Jeri Kehn, gently prodding him as they sit in front of a roaring fire in an expensive New Hampshire inn.

Fred’s Lullaby
(To the music of “Baby it’s Cold Outside”)

You need to campaign
(But baby it’s cold outside)
I hate to complain
(But baby it’s cold outside)
This campaign will die
(Baby don’t you make me cry)
Unless you try
(I’m so darn tired, and that’s no lie)
Your supporters will worry
(There’s no need to hurry)
Your manager will show you the door
(Don’t worry about that bore)
But the White House is what I desire
(Let me sit and look at the fire)
Mitt may get ahead
(Baby let me stay in bed)
I don’t know what to say
(Oh baby just let me stay)
I wish I knew how
(There’s no need to go right now)
To make you go
(Baby don’t send me out in the snow)
I ought to scream go, go, go sir
(Afraid on that I must defer)
At least I’m gonna say that I tried
(Baby, don’t make me run and hide)
You really must go
(Oh Baby, no, no, no)

Both: baby it’s cold out side

The stage lights fade as the musical moves into its biggest production number, the dazzling conclusion to our show.

It is now present day, as a group of high-powered pundits sit around a table (stage right) waiting for a cable television talk show they are scheduled to appear on to begin. They chatter excitedly off camera about the return of their beloved John McCain to front-runner (or at least co-front-runner) status.

Saint John
(To the music of “When the Saints Go Marching In”)

We are objective reporters
But one candidate we love
He will talk to us so freely
He’s a blessing from above.

Oh, when Saint John gets voted in,
Oh, when Saint John gets voted in
Lord we will get some really good access
When Saint John gets voted in.

Some candidates just make us sneer
But soon we make them disappear
But Lord we will get some good access
When Saint John gets voted in.

Oh, Al Gore was such a bore
So we treated him like a whore
But Lord we will get some good access
When Saint John gets voted in.

But good old John, he is our friend
And him we always will defend
And Lord we will get some good access
When Saint John gets voted in.

Just then, a leading liberal blogger named Digby storms into the studio.

DIGBY: “You people are just pathetic! You think everything is about you, don’t you?”

Then moving (stage left) under a spotlight she begins:

Pundits are so Vain
(To the music of, “You’re so Vain”)

You walked into the press room
Like you were one hell of a big shot
Your lip strategically curled into a frown
You thought you were sizzling hot
You had one eye in the mirror
As you prettied up your hair
And all the campaigns dreamed they’d get good press
They’d get good press, and

You’re so vain
You probably think the voting’s about you
You’re so vain
I’ll bet you think the voting’s about you
Don’t you? Don’t you?

As Digby exits (stage left), the spotlight returns to the pundits sitting around the table, all of them frowning. One of them, shaking his head, stands up and begins:

Why Can’t a Blogger Be more Like a Pundit?
(To the music of “Why Can’t a Woman Be More Like a Man?”)

FIRST PUNDIT:
Why can’t a blogger be more like a pundit?
A pundit’s so serious, so conventionally wise,
Loved in the Beltway, well connected guys
Who, when power speaks, they will always transcribe
Why can’t bloggers catch that vibe?

Why do they all bitch about the war in Iraq ?
Would they have us call a lie a lie?
Must they all repeat that same quack, quack, quack, quack?
Why can’t they grow up, well, and let the subject die?

Why can’t a blogger be more like a pundit?
A pundit’s so serious, so conventionally wise,
Adored by the in crowd, they’re wonderful guys.

Would you be upset if I advocated an unjust war?

SECOND PUNDIT:
Of course not.

FIRST PUNDIT:
Would you be livid if I gave a corrupt president a pass?

SECOND PUNDIT:
Nonsense.

FIRST PUNDIT:
Would you be wounded if I savaged your favorite candidate because I personally disliked him?

SECOND PUNDIT:
Never.

FIRST PUNDIT:
Well why can’t a blogger be like you?

And with that, the entire cast enters the stage and sings in unison one final tribute to the power of the Beltway media to influence the outcome of the election contests of both political parties.

God Bless the Media
(To the music of “God Bless America“)

God bless the media
Sing out with glee
Give us OJ and Britney
Report it all so objectively

Forget the warfare and corruption
As they defend the status quo
God bless the media
What’s best, they know
God bless the media
What’s best, they know

The curtain falls to thunderous applause.

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Check out our episodes archive.

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When not busy managing a mythical café, Steven C. Day lives with his family in Wichita, Kansas where he has practiced law for 27 years. Contact Steven at .

© Copyright 2007, Steven C. Day. WGAw #974001

This entry was posted by Steve on Tuesday, January 29th, 2008 at 1:01 am and is filed under Episodes. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.