George and the devil
A long time from now in an inferno far, far away . . .
It had been a scorchingly hot summer in hell; even with the central air conditioner working full force in the devil’s main residence -- the only air-conditioned building anywhere in hell -- he still could never get comfortable. Yet, some people resented the fact that he got even that much preferential treatment. In fairness, though, he’s the only one who has to stay in this pit of an afterlife permanently.
That’s something we mortals tend to misjudge about hell -- that whole being damned for eternity thing. In real death, hell isn’t forever. In fact, it isn’t even about damnation. It’s more like a supernatural Outward Bound program. If you screw up badly enough in life to need to earn some redemption points, you get sent to hell for a specified number of days, weeks or at most months. Then after a few 500 mile marches through molten rock have given you a chance to think things over, you get to move on.
Everyone that is except the devil: He’s just stuck. And between you and me he’s royally pissed off about it. That’s another thing the usual story gets wrong -- all that business about Satan falling from grace. It was really more of a job demotion sort of thing. It had something to do with the office Christmas party, a quantity of whoopee cushions and several particularly venerable saints who, as it turned out, lacked a sense of humor.
The devil was in a particularly foul mood on this morning. A meeting he’d been absolutely dreading was on the schedule. It was one of the new guests -- a man who’d been demanding to see the person in charge.
“Great,” the devil muttered irritably to himself. “Just what I need: Another sinner who thinks he’s God.”
There was a knock on the door.
The devil sighed, then summoning up all of his strength said cheerfully, “Come in, George, I’ve been expecting you.”
“Hello, I’m looking for someone who’s the decider here.”
“Well, I guess that’s me. What can I do for you?” The devil shifted in his throne. He was certain this guy was going to be a huge pain in the butt.
“The thing is . . . there’s been one of those mistake things done.”
The devil frowned. “And what makes you think that?”
“Well, obviously, I don’t belong here.”
“I hate to differ, George, but the special Luciferian Tribunal took up your case just yesterday and they voted unanimously to uphold your status as an unlawful soul. I’m afraid you’re going to be with us for quite a few months.”
“What?!” screamed George. “This can’t be right. God and I are close: I’ve been talking to him for years.”
“No, that was me I’m afraid. Damn, George, that Iraq thing . . . the way you bought it hook, line and sinker and then went ahead and invaded, I’ve got to tell you that one kept me laughing for months.”
George wasn’t giving up. “But I didn’t even get a fair chance to put on evidence at the hearing . . . to tell my side of the story. I don’t even know who my accusers are!”
“Hey, don’t get mad at me. We got the idea from you. I mean back in the old days we actually gave people fair trials, but then I saw the procedures you were using for prisoners at Guantánamo Bay and it was like someone had switched on a light. I remember thinking to myself, yeah, George is right: Why should the sinners get the same rights as the saints?”
“I want to appeal.”
“Sorry, no appeals. We also recently abolished the right of habeas corpus to heaven. We figured why put up with all the frivolous litigation. So I’m afraid you’re stuck. But don’t feel so bad. It isn’t like we torture people here or anything barbaric like that.”
“But it still isn’t fair!”
“No, it isn’t, is it?”
egypt pornstarporn tower eifelonly eighteen pornmovies porn eightiesporn welles eileenekron pornel porno adictoelaine stahl porn star Map
October 18th, 2006 at 10:14 am
thanks, Steve, love your stories
but do i understand you right, that
means, that after people have accepted their guilt, have understood what they did wrong – they are allowed to leave hell?
fine
than George will stay forever
poor devil…
you truly don’t deserve that!
October 19th, 2006 at 12:41 am
John Mccain will surely join Dubya in the Halls of Hell. McCain reportedly told reporters he would commit suicide if the Democrats win in November. Perhaps the good Senator should reconsider his remark. After all, he has sold his soul to the Devil so many times, that it is becoming threadbare. Nevertheless, I am sure Satan will welcome him with open arms, now that the Senator has voted to allow the Emperor George to torture and imprison anyone that offends him.
October 19th, 2006 at 1:16 am
And of course, it IS fair. It’s just what Prexy deserves.
(From the title, I thought this would be about Hugo Chávez’s speech and Venezuela, like their struggle this week to win a seat on the Security Council. Turns out, it was even better!)